Ever wonder why squirrels chase each other? Down one tree, across the yard, up another tree, across a power line, down another tree, dashing across a car-infested road – over and over. Are they defending territory? Are they fighting over mates? Or chasing prospective mates?
I have a different theory to forward. What if there were a more diabolical reason for their antics? What if the entire squirrel population of the world was actually an ancient sect of rodent ninjas, who, to this day, have been in continual training?
Aw jeez. Here we go.
“Training?” you ask.
Um no, I wasn’t going to ask about training…
I’m glad you asked! Yes, training! But training for what? What goal could possibly force them to maintain such iron-clad discipline century after century?
I don’t really want…
Are they plotting to overthrow their canine oppressors?
Are they maintaining their razor-like reflexes to save mankind from a long-ago prophesized alien invasion?
Are they keeping in shape to defend against the return of some terrestrial arch-nemesis, last defeated in the Furry Battle of 12 AD, who survives to this day plotting his revenge.
The what battle?!? *face palm* Mark, aren’t you going out on a limb here? Don’t you think this whole theory is a little, well, nuts?
Oh, ha ha. Of course I think the theory is nuts, Mr. Comedian. That’s what makes it such a great theory! I mean, what better way for the squirrels to maintain their cover – to keep their combat training secret – than by keeping it right out there in the open? Who would believe that they are honing skills to be applied in some epic coming battle?
Well, you apparently.
Whatever their motivation, the “Great Acorn Conspiracy” (as I’m sure it will be come to be called) will shed new light on their antics. Even if this conspiracy turns out to be bunk, you will probably never look at a squirrel the same way again.
When is that CT scan scheduled for, anyway?