CJ’s been cleaning out a lot of our old records and mementos, and stumbled across a huge folder of jokes that I kept in college. The first few pages were lists of quotes from Star Wars with a select noun (and perhaps a couple of supporting words) replaced with “pants”. For example:
- But I was going to go into Tashi’s station to pick up some pants!
- These pants may smell bad, kid, but they’ll keep you warm until I can get the shelter built.
- Judge me by my pants do you?
- Luminous beings are we, not these pants.
For some reason, the pants-ified Yoda lines were always my favorite. Anyway, CJ and I thought it would be fun to resurrect this particular meme by modifying other movie lines. We decided that since Star Wars had been so well covered we’d restrict our lines to anything OTHER than Star Wars.
- One pants to rule them all, and in the darkness, bind them. (Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring)
- With great pants from great responsibility. (Spiderman)
- Why pants, sir? Pants frighten me. It’s time my enemies shared my dread. (Batman Begins)
- They can take our pants, but they can never take our freedom! (Braveheart) *
- I may not be a smart man, but I know what pants are. (Forrest Gump)
- He pulls a knife – you pull a gun. He puts one of your in the hospital, you put one of his in pants. THAT’S the Chicago way. (The Untouchables)
- You think those are pants you’re wearing now? (The Matrix)
- Neo: Why do my pants hurt?
Morpheus: You’ve never worn them before.
- We can stay up late, trading manly stories, and in the morning, I’m wearing pants! (Shrek)
- King: Put them in the iron pants.
Bill and Ted: Iron pants? Excellent!
(Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure)
- Goonies never say ‘pants’. (Goonies)
- I love the smell of pants in the morning. (Apocalypse Now)
- You want the pants? You can’t handle the pants! (A Few Good Men)
- Show me the pants! (Jerry Maguire)
- You are sad, strange little man. You have my pants. (Toy Story)
- I’ll get you my pretty! And your little pants, too! (The Wizard of Oz)
- You don’t climb into pants to be a driver. You do it because you’re driven. (Speed Racer)
- Pants! In the dungeon! Thought you ought to know. (Harry Potter and The Sorcerer’s Stone)
- Sorting Hat: Hmm, difficult. VERY difficult. Plenty of courage, I see. Not a bad mind, either. There’s talent, oh yes. And a thirst to prove yourself. But where to put you?
Harry: Not in pants. Not in pants.
Sorting Hat: Not in pants, eh? Are you sure? You could be great, you know. It’s all here in your head. And pants will help you on the way to greatness, there’s no doubt about that. No?
Harry: Please, please. Anything but pants, anything but pants.
(Harry Potter and The Sorcerer’s Stone)
* CJ came up with this one. I thought it was particularly inspired given what the actors actually wore in the movie.